Lost

I am so fucking lost.  Like I am having a hard time remembering what day it is.  I have a hard time with remembering anything.  I think I have something wrong with me.  I do not know if it is like a mental issue, or a physical issue or a spiritual issue.  I am really struggling with this.  I have had many ups and downs but at this point I am stuck in a fast moving elevator.  Just confused.  I can not even explain in.  My thoughts are now just rambling voices in my head.  Nothing is clear to me.  Everything is a blur.  life is on spin cycle.  and I am stuck in the bottom of the pit.  Or is it the top.  I dont know.  I long for solid thoughts or something to see.  I wish I had a reason to live.  A purpose in this life.  I do not feel I have anything but my family.  And I feel I am unable to take care of them.  Lost Lost Lost Lost Just strolling through.  Wandering around aimlessly looking a target to reach.  A goal to set.  Something with some substance.  A balloon caught in the wind being pushed in every direction with no control over where it lands.  looking out of a window with the curtains drawn.  Unable to see past my eye lids.  Lost wanderer flailing in the darkness of an empty purpose.  No where to go no where to hide.  abused by the elements of whats inside.



-bigger........

Friday

I am just sitting here with plenty to do and absolutly no motivation to do anything.  Hope I get some before I get home.  Things are great though.

Reality

I have had to realize that life will not be the way I want it to be.  At this rate I will never be what I want to be.  Every avenue just closes.  makes me not even want to try.

Finally

I have finally had an accepted offer on a house.  The good thing is it was not a foreclosure so I can sell it quicker. The day of closing I should be there tearing out and cleaning up.  I need to flip this one quick.  I also had my hair cut and beard trimmed yesterday.  after 2 years.  It was nice.

What a damn time......

Wide open is an understatement.  We are opening another store.  That will be 4 stores.  We also have finally found a few foreclosures.  So I have that going on.  We are also building a new deck at home.  (This deck build will take a while.)  I hope we are about to hire another person to help me.  I still mow pecan trees on Friday nights and drink beer.  Dad told me the other day he was looking into a tractor with a cab and heat and air.  I told him there is no one on that farm that would be more happy than me.  But,  we need a tree shaker and harvester first.  There are so many nuts this year.  If they continue and do not get diesesed or have a storm blow them away things will be great.  Just checking in.

typing

I just wanna type and write.  put all my thoughts on paper.  I am tired.  I am once again trying to come off the caffine.  I have gained so much weight and I am so disappointed in myself.  I just dont know what to do.  All I can do is start slow. thats what I am doing.  I am going to stop typing just have lost the want to.

I wanna grow Hemp

Yep they are allowing Hemp growers to get there license now.  I am going to have to start going to the meetings.

Blah

What a week.  Just plumb tired.  But tonight I mow the trees as most of my Friday nights consist of.  And get ready for tomorrow.  Honey do list.  But I do not complain.  She does so much for me.

Peace out blogging world.

Putting on my selling shoes.

I have found a house I want to buy and flip.  I now have to talk my boss into it.  This is twice the money we are use to putting out there on the line.  But the profit margine is twice as large also.  I have done the research and think it is well worth it.  Now to talk him into it.  We will see.  The bad part is he has his mind on other things.  Got to put on my selling shoes.

Hello

Just wanted to say hello.