Its been a rough road

I can sit here and say what ever I want to.  But I will keep it simple.  When you hear of how devastated kids are, it changes your out look on things.  Some times we have to sacrifice things we want to do and things we shouldn't do to make sure others are ok.  Im learning to live again as I said yesterday.  Im learning how to deal with people and things in life.  Im learning how to except the way some people are.  Im learning to deal with life.  There are so many things I would like to say but I will keep it simple.  I will say that there seems to be a lot of people who talk.  I will say that when I made a comment about not needing alcohol in my life I was lying to myself and the world.  I have consumed more alcohol in the last 8 months than probably the last 5 years of my life.  I am on medicine to make we more mellow.  I like shooting guns.  Shot quiet a few this weekend including a SKS.  I am still working in that damn shop.  It will take me a year to get it even close to where it needs to be.  I am building a bathroom and a kitchen in there.  It will be a man room i hope.  I will have plenty of storage above the bathroom and the kitchen for my mother.  The other project I am working on is getting a pecan harvestor for the farm.  This is needed so bad.  Over 1500 lbs have been picked up and we are guessing another 2000 lbs left on the ground that have been eatin by animals.  We are getting a few years from having 10,000lbs a year.  We need a screen shaker also.  This is just for picking up the pecans not even the sprayer, shaker and blower we need.  I am thinking about buying a crossbow.  I have a friend that is going to let me shoot theres.  I am excited about it.  Im trying to find alternative things other than poker and beer to do.  I have blown an easy $10,000 on poker.  Just gone, bye.  Oh well I enjoyed every minute of it.  Ive made comments to people that I was truthful about.  I also have no idea how to login... my memory is not that good.  Im going to go home and eat some hawain chicken I put in the crock pot this morning.  I still do most the cooking and kitchen cleaning.  I have my daughter cooking some also.  Im just learngin to live again.  Maybe one day I will be able actually speak to others again and explain it all.  There is a lot going on in this mind.  I just keep moving forward and trying to do what God expects.  Exept drinking, he knows I drink to relive stress and most of the time a drink alone so I am not causing anyone to stumble.  In fact I plan on drinking alone tonight.  maybe working in the shop and singing country music.  Later blogging world

Learning to live

Learning to live again, Ill explain later.

very very hurt

I am really having a hard time with life right now.  First off my back hurts.  My legs hurt. These are the physical pains I am having.  They hurt because I have been working nonstop trying to keep up.  My mind hurts.  My mind hurts from trying to come out of this drab spot I am in.  My mind hurts from trying to accomplish things at work.  It hurts from the overwhelming feeling of unfinished jobs.  Not only with work but also at the farm, pecans, shop, well, trucks, four wheeler.  all these things have not been accomplished.  all these things I have been working on for a while.  But I am always available to help others.  which in turns puts me behind on all my personal things, but I have no one to help me.  We are all so busy.  Last Wednesday night I was in the shop till one Thursday night till one. Friday night I crashed hard and was up Saturday back at the shop all day till 3am Sunday morning just to be back there again yesterday afternoon.  But yet if you look it appears nothing has been done.  My feelings are hurt.  This goes with everything all together.  There is not one thing or person that has done this its the whole relisation that no matter how hard I work or try or even all I accomplish its never enough.  Its never enough for me or any one else.  NO ONE has told me good job on anything in a while and I am working so much harder than I ever had before.  On Everything.  Last off my heart hurts. It aches.  Thats all I can say.  Life goes on and death approaches, Its just the way it is.

I guess its just life.

Ive been thinking lately about the things I have accomplished in life.  Honestly there isnt much.  I have stuck my neck out on many things just to be cut out of them and watch others benefit from my doings.  I have busted my ass on some things to just see those things get turned down because they where too risky or others thought it was a bad idea.  I feel I have always rode the coat tails of my father to get where I am.  I dont like this.  I dont like the fact that I have never accomplished something and was able to benefit or profit from what I have done.  I question what it will take in life to get someone to latch on to my ideas and help me accomplish and fulfill dreams thoughts and hopes.  Everything I have ever tried has failed.  All the way from my love life to business to just trying to have fun.  What have I missed, what happen for me to not get the help I need for things to go my way for once.  Am I just stupid? Am I an idiot? Am I unstable? I just dont understand.  When I sit and think on it there has to be something wrong with me.  When I think on it I have to have screwed up somewhere.  People come to me with things they want to do and I always try my best to think on them and try to help them figure out how to accomplish there goals.  I wish I could get the same respect from others.  I wish I had a friend like me.  I know that may sound crazy.  The only solution I have been able to come up with is to just do it on my own.  I will have to be very tight and reserved on thing.  I will have to respect my goals and meet them.  I have realized in this life I have no one to count on but me.  I am the only one that is brave enough and crazy enough to do the things in life that I want to do.  Having no support or help with these things will make this a very hard long tiring adventure but for me to ever accomplish any thing in this life I will have to tackle it alone.  I was once told it was me against the world only if I let it be that way.  That I have friends and people who care.  That is only a half true statement.  I may have people who act like they care and say they do but no one cares enough to put their selves on a ledge with me and jump to see if we can fly.  No one truly cares about me enough to take the gamble.  No one cares enough to fail with me.  No one cares enough to succeed with me.  So as this year comes to a close and everyone looks forward to there next year I will be figuring out my next great adventure and I will work my ass off right by myself and either fail or succeed.  I will not leave a stone unturned or a path untraveled.  I will finally accomplish something. I will succeed.  Mark my words I will succeed.  I will beat down every door that is closed in my face and I will continue to stumble forward until I get to a place in my life where I feel comfortable where I feel I deserve to be where I can say this was me.  I will I will.  This is my life.  God gave me a chance to walk this earth, God gave me a chance to succeed.  God has given me the things I need to succeed.  I will no longer let any one hold me back. NO ONE will stand in my way.  One day Im sure some will look back and think "I missed my opportunity" and they will be correct.  This is my life and I intend on doing as I please!  Everyone else can just kiss my ass.

That was stupid!

I got to quit playing cards, ugh

Ah Ha!

Told you I was right.  Oh good grief it feels so good.  lol I am having a great day!!!

Quote for today

"If my enemies knew all I did, I would be in jail, but if they knew what I did, they would be in jail with me."

-Bigger

Have never

I have never worked this hard in all my life.  I have shut my door and put my phone on vibrate so I can let some tension out.  First things first, yes you may be an inspector and yes I will respect you however I want you to know that you are wrong on this one and I have the information to back it up. Second, again I have never worked this much in my life.  I kinda like it.  I guess I like the feeling of pressure.  I guess thats why running a kitchen has always enticed me.   Having to push out perfect plates during rush hour is a lot of pressure and I thrive in it.  Third, had this sweet little lady call me baby this morning.  Im sure she does that to all the guys but it struck a cord with me the way she looked and said it.  She was so skinny, I mean like super skinny.  I mean like her waist was smaller than my leg.  I had a thought (because I am a man) I wonder what it would be like to get in those pants.  Would it be bony would it even be good.  There has to be only skin between her vagina and her bones.  Was just a thought, I would never do it.  I just had the thought of it.  Next I always remember asking people if they where excited about there trips they are taking and sometimes i would get an answer like. I haven't really thought about it. I understand that now.  I have so much to do before I leave that I can not think about it.  I would actually like to have an extra day to finish the things I need to do before I leave.  Oh well that wont happen.  Other than this things have been good. I have had a dream about pushing open a bathroom door... I sure hope I don't talk in my sleep...  I never thought I could be so (whats the word) aggressive??? or maybe I should say successful in fulfilling the needs of others.  I dont know it was weird and fun and I am back in hiding for sure.  I was sick Sunday night.  I dont know if I doubled up on my medicine by accident or if I was just sick.  I also sneezed 9 times last night and now I am sick with a cold.  I do have a Dr appoitment tomorrow so I will see what he says.

The last thing I will say is I am horny, and I will leave it at that.  I have no way of fixing this, in fact I only know of one way to fix it...  So I will just embrace it at this time and let my mind do the dirty deeds.

Glad to hear everyone is ok...

I heard my mistress is moving out of her house.  Thats the rumor around my house.  I guess I will find out more later.  I have got to get back to work...

...

Ok Burger King...

Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats - S.O.B. (Official)

Son of a Bitch



Get me a drink

boy time flies

I did not realize it has been March since I posted. Just been busy with work and softball with my oldest girl. I got a coaching spot some how. Still not sure exactly how that happened but I am happy to help all I can. Our team is pretty good for some 7 and 8 year olds. Look forward to how the season will go. Still at my old routine going to play cards tonight. Garden is growing well. I do have to laugh at a good friend of mind on this post. In NC there is a huge concert called Carolina Rebellion. Well 2 couples I know went this year. My good friend has a bucket list of bands she wants to see before she dies and 3 of them where playing at the CB this year. Well it got rained out so she only got to see one. So they proceeded to get drunk. She has pics of her husband and I at our worse (drunk). So this time he slacked off and let her go crazy. They have pics of her on the bath room floor and all passed out. LOL!!! unfortunately she got a hold of the camera and most are gone. Its just funny you have to know this crowd to understand. Hope everyone in the blogging world is doing well. Lets post a song today. Im going over to youtube and will be right back. So skip to 3:00 mins. Bradley Nowell passed on 5-25-96 I think so this goes up to him.